>Eat sand.
You haven’t specified whether you’re referring to the wet sand in your inventory or the desert sand. So you eat some of both. The desert sand is dry, and the wet sand is soggy. You confirm your suspicion that it’s pointless to eat sand.
>dig a hole
You dig a hole only a few inches deep. You can’t do anything useful with it, making it pointless, but it’s technically a hole.
>crawl into hole
You crawl into the very shallow hole. This is pointlessly difficult, because you made it so shallow.
>Make a sand fort.
You make a large, elaborate sand fort, reasoning that it should be utterly useless as a defense if anyone comes after you. (Mind you, it would be quite pointless of them to do that in the first place.)
>Run
You run in place, pointlessly expending energy without going anywhere.
>falcon punch
You create a sand sculpture of Captain Falcon in Falcon Punch pose, and pointlessly walk into the sculpture’s fist, effectively Falcon Punching yourself. At least, that’s how you see it.
>show me your moves
You demonstrate Pac-Man’s moves to yourself. You aren’t sure if you’re impressed, but you’re pretty sure it was pointless.
>Tear down the sand fort.After spending so long making the sand fort, which isn’t even at all useful, it’s pointless to simply tear it down, so that’s what you do.
>fly
You flap your arms in a futile and pointless attempt to fly. Well done!
>pretend death
You lie down and pretend to be dead. You twitch a lot, because it’s pointless to do that when you’re pretending to be dead.
>emulate dodo
You act like a dodo. Since they weren’t studied much before they went extinct, you don’t really know how they act, but that’s never stopped you from doing something before. Apparently, you believe dodos constructed elaborate rocket launch pads out of sand, because that’s what you end up doing. However, it seems you don’t believe they constructed the rockets.
>check if I’m in Gobi. If so, dig up Velociraptor
Because this adventure does not take place on the planet Earth, you have no reason to believe that this is the Gobi desert. Having no reason to believe it, you *do* believe it, so you start trying to dig up a velociraptor fossil. You do this by digging where you have no reason to expect it to be, and find a complete velociraptor skeleton.
>bring velociraptor to life
Your attempts to bring the velociraptor skeleton to life fail. Not that this is particularly surprising, since you have neither books of necromancy nor any tools for either cloning or tissue regeneration.
>train it to bite pointless persons
You attempt to train the dead velociraptor to bite pointless persons. The obvious result of this training if it succeeded makes it clearly pointless, but it’s made even more pointless by the fact that the trainee is dead.
>wear velociraptor skull
You wear the velociraptor skull on your elbow. Because that seems like a very pointless place to put a skull.
>just dance
You start dancing for no reason whatsoever.
>gonna be okay
You decide that you are going to be okay, and pointlessly resolve to stick to this diagnosis regardless of outside circumstances. Of course, you might pointlessly change your mind later.
>get cape
There is no cape to get.
>wear cape
You pointlessly wear the cape that doesn’t exist.
>fly
You attempt to fly with the nonexistent cape. Somehow, this actually works. However, flying around reveals only more desert – although, since the launch pad made of sand, the headless velociraptor skeleton, and the pointlessly shallow hole never go out of your line of vision, it’s more like the *same* desert over and over. Apparently you’re in a not-particularly large desert that wraps around.
>Check if I’m in GOBI: Grit on Bean Island.
You see no sign of Grit, beans, or water. You pointlessly conclude that you *are* there, since you have no reason to, but this doesn’t affect your actions in any way.
(Author’s Note: The site I originally posted this on is an Advance Wars forum. “Grit on Bean Island” is related to Advance Wars. Basically, Grit is a playable character who is extremely cheap. Bean Island is a map that favors Grit ridiculously, it’s absurdly hard to beat a competent human player on that map if he’s using Grit. This explanation has no real bearing on the adventure, making it pointless. And therefore appropriate.)
>go cheetah
You land from your impossible flight and run around fast, like a cheetah. You still stay in the same section of desert.
>get banana
There is no banana in the desert.
>hey monkey
You pointlessly greet a monkey that isn’t there.
>get funky
You get funky. This has no apparent effect.
>become nonapparent
You attempt to become nonapparent. Since you are the only one around, you decide this means that you have to be nonapparent to yourself. You now are not readily apparent to yourself.
>get funky again
You get funky. You think. You can’t really see what you’re doing.
>examine non apparent effects
You can’t tell. You can’t see them very well, either.
>Throw skull as far as you can.
You struggle to find the velociraptor skull, since it’s on you and you currently aren’t apparent to yourself, but you manage to. You throw it as far as you can, and it hits you in the head from behind.
>Fall unconscious and wake up somewhere else.
You fall unconscious, and wake up somewhere else. “Somewhere else” turns out to be on the other side of the elaborate launch pad made of sand.
>elaborate
You elaborate to yourself that you are still in the desert, but for no apparent reason, you have moved from where you were knocked out.
>take reason
You take the nonapparent reason. Well, you *think* you do, anyways. You’re really having trouble seeing what you’re doing.
>pointless hint
Pointless Hint: You’re still nonapparent, but only because you’ve chosen to be.
>unwrap desert
You can’t find any means of unwrapping the desert. No huge ribbon or anything.
>put velociraptor skull in headless velociraptor skeleton
You put the velociraptor skull inside the skeleton’s rib cage.
>take velociraptor skeleton
You take the velociraptor skeleton and put it in your inventory.
>pray x0 for desert unwrapment
You pray to x0 to unwrap the desert. This doesn’t have much effect. But then, you only did it because you had no reason to expect it to work.
(Author’s Note: x0, short for x0_000, is one of the people on the forum playing the game. He submitted such classics as “take sea and throw it into amulet” and “pretend you are pacman”.)
>air guitar Bark at the Moon
You play Bark at the Moon on Air Guitar. Or attempt to, despite the fact that you don’t know how the song goes at all.
(Author’s note: This may have been intended to be on two different lines. I have no idea. But the results were amusing, so nobody complained.)
>make sand rocket with wet sand
You make a miniature sand rocket out of the wet sand.
>put sand rocket into sand lauch pad
You put the miniature sand rocket on the full-sized sand launch pad.
>ride sand rocket
You ride the miniature sand rocket, but nothing happens. Probably because you haven’t hit the launch button. You’re also pretty sure it can’t support your wait (sic), making the whole attempt appropriately pointless.
>press rocket button
You press the button, which is made out of sand. Inexplicably, the rocket goes up into the sky… but doesn’t bring you with it. This is probably due to how far away you put the button.
>say ‘yeeehaw’
You say “yeeehaw” anyways.
>Become apparent again.
Since there’s nobody else to be apparent to, you decide it’s pointless to become apparent again. You do so, and find that you are wearing a large tarp and an oversized funnel on your head, and are carrying a reason. Which looks strangely like a horseshoe.
>Nibble on skeleton.
You nibble on the velociraptor skeleton. It’s surprisingly tasty, even though there’s not much on it beyond sand.
>Wear an eyepatch.
You wear the eyepatch you don’t have. You can’t see very clearly now.
>Shout some gibberish phrase extremely loudly.
You shout “Some gibberish phrase!” at the top of your lungs. Nobody seems to notice.
>Dance ballet.
You dance ballet, but stumble over something due to the non-existent eyepatch interfering with your vision. It appears to be a small rock, even though you’re sure there wasn’t one before you started dancing.
>Throw “reason”.
You throw the horseshoe… er, reason. It comes around, ready to hit you in the head.
>Duck.
You duck before the horseshoe, er, reason hits. It continues going around the desert endlessly. Apparently it won’t stop until it hits something, probably you.
>goose
You act like a goose for no reason. This makes you just tall enough to be hit by the orbiting “reason”, which suddenly gives you a reason for acting like a goose. You stop as soon as you can, but the damage has been done; acting like a goose has inexplicably caused the velociraptor skeleton to shape itself into the form of a rocket.
>determine topology of desert
You don’t have the necessary expertise to do that. So naturally, you try to find out anyway. Your conclusion is “RED”.
>jeff
You say “Jeff” to no one in particular. Nothing happens.
>Dry wet sand
The wet sand seems to want to stay wet.
>Put dried wet sand in inventory
You pointlessly put the nonexistent dry wet sand in your inventory. However, your inventory doesn’t acknowledge things that don’t exist, even if you do.
>Draw a map of the desert in the sand
You draw a map of the desert in the sand at your feet. Then you start recursively marking the map itself on the map until you don’t have room to do so any more.
>Catch a desert storm
(I missed this command and didn’t make a response. Whoops.)
>Talk with his imaginary enemy
You talk to your imaginary enemy. Apparently, this is Jeff. He doesn’t say much.
>play jazz with imaginary sax
You don’t have an imaginary sax, and since there’s no reason you can’t just imagine one, you don’t. You attempt unsuccessfully to play jazz anyways.
>ride velociraptor rocket
You get inside the rocket-shaped velociraptor skeleton.
>activate velociraptor rocket
You press one of the velociraptor skeleton’s fingers. A sign pops up out of nowhere saying, “Error: Rocket must have some form of outer covering. Also, must place rocket on launch pad.”
>say ‘yeehaw’
You say “yeehaw” for no particular reason.
>Go West! Life is peaceful there
You go west, and soon return to where you started. Life does appear to be peaceful here, since you seem to be the only living creature in the desert.
>perform broadway number
You perform an elaborate Broadway number. Despite being alone.
>cover velociraptor rocket with wet sand
You put some wet sand on the velociraptor rocket.
>place rocket on rocket pad
(Whoops! I forgot to do this one, which kind of messed things up. Nobody called me on it. I guess Nopor Puss just pointlessly ignored the command.)
>ride rocket
You get inside the rocket.
>activate rocket
You press one of the velociraptor’s fingers. The sign says “Wet sand isn’t good enough, dummy. And you’re still not on the launch pad.”
>yeehaw
You say “yeehaw” anyways.